To be human...
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A privlege, an honor, a touch of Grace for sure...but also damn hard!
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Doesn't it seem as if you're always trying to fix something? More this, less that. Trying to become who we think we should be. But beneath that 'should'...is there ground?
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I want to simultaneously love myself deeply, and also kill "myself" (*not like suicide, but ego, sense of self, story identification). How do we nurture our Self, and kill our self?
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The small s self is the rascal. It's he who gets Me into compulsive thinking, addictive behaviors, treacherous trains of thought. He's the one I'm after. That self that calls himself Peter and creates the most elaborate stories and fantasies about himself and others and the world, too. He's the one that gives me shit when I mess up, he's the one that judges and craves and averts and lashes out and also hides.
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And so I take refuge in capital s Self. This aspect of "my" being is immutable and unchanging. It has roots deep into the earth and into the past and also into the future, through lives and lifetimes of many. This aspect that carries my mind and heart and body throughout my days is always watching. It watches me say this, or do that. It watches as I stumble and also succeed, without flinch. This sense of Me is an anchor for "me" to constantly return when I get lost or forget who and what I am.
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Look beneath the surface of who and what you THINK you are. Peak behind all those beliefs. And it's not about identifying with some "Higher Self." That's just your ego trying to uplevel itself. It's about destroying the whole idea of who you think you are. It's a bold and truly terrifying notion to even ponder. It involves throwing out that sense of Me, Peter, yoga teacher, son, brother, and all the stories he's created these past 30 years that make Me, me. And, I'm also scared to do that. It's necessary to unpack everything to fully arrive at what IS...but I suspect that I'm not alone in preferring the warmth of a cozy blanket to the bite of the cold. That's sort of it. Taking off the blanket of what is known in order to begin to tap into what lays beneath it all. So we dance. Keep investigating.

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