There, I said it.
I’d like love, great friendships, abundance in everything good, health, happiness and peace…
But, perhaps more than these things, I want to wake up — for real!
I am blessed to have had glimpses of awakening. I’ve had moments, often completely spontaneously, where I wake up fully to the perfection of reality. I realized in those moments of my absolute interconnectivity to the past, present and future — to all beings and all things. I see myself in the baby, the old man, the saint and the sinner. Even in a rock and a blade of grass, in plastic and in gas. My whole body shutters in ecstatic bliss just thinking about this potent wisdom.
And yet, most of the time I am dead asleep. I am controlled by my sense perceptions, ideas, feelings and the deep grooves in my mind. And even here I feel the disconnect — I say MY, MINE, ME, I. Caught in the illusion of self and separation.
I want to re-connect steadily to the absolute necessary perfection of wall that is. I want Peter to get the heck out of the way so Grace and God can shine through.
This doesn’t meet ego destruction though. There must be a vehicle through which Self operates in the world. But I do want to meticulously, deliberately dismantle the stories that ‘I’ hold on to so tightly.
Waking up in the work of my list. And it’s not some grand affair. It is a moment to moment remembering. In this moment I remember. But surely, in a few moments it will be lost again, and I’ll be pulled by hunger or lust or some story I hold that needs to be quenched.
I am beginning again right now.